Friends…

I’ve been pondering a few things this week. Dangerous, I know.

At what point does a person move from an acquaintance to a friend? I’m on several BDSM boards and there are often posts about ‘coming out’ with friends and family. My question is – if you are in the lifestyle, if it’s a way of life for you, not some kinky fun you enjoy in the bedroom – and your friends don’t know – are they really your friends?

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think ‘friends’ need to know what goes on behind closed doors, but if they know nothing about a major component of your personality/life, I wonder if they count as friends. For me, the answer is no they’re not. They are someone I chat with on a superficial level.

A friend is someone I can trust. Someone who has my back and I have theirs. Someone that shares my same values. We don’t have to agree on politics or brand loyalties, but underneath all the fluff, we need to be in sync. I don’t share that with many people.

The biggie for me is respect. If you run down your significant other, we’ll never be friends. This is the person you’re supposed to love above all others. As soon as I hear a phrase such as – ‘you won’t believe what my stupid ________ (bf, gf, wife, husband), did now’, I’m out. People think they’re being funny. They’ll tell you, if you call them on it, they don’t mean it like that… Geez, what’s your problem?

My problem is, it’s hurtful. You’re diminishing how other’s look at your loved one in order to gain something – attention, sympathy, laughs…

Of course there with be times when something happens and you’re confused or hurt by your SO’s actions. But shouldn’t the conversation at least start between the two of you? Your lunch buddies won’t be able to tell you why your (bf, gf, wife, husband) overdrew your checking account or has a questionable picture on their phone. So sharing your laundry with them only serves a negative purpose.

This one person I’ve known for more than half my life thought it was perfectly fine to eat lunch daily with coworker they were attracted to. They had no intentions of taking it beyond a coworker/friend relationship so what could possibly go wrong? I’m sure you can see where this is going. A hell of a lot went wrong. Bashing their respective spouses  turned into a frequent occurrence. Instead of talking to their loved one about an issue, they’d let it fester. They’d chat with their coworker and garner sympathy.  The coworker, who only heard one side of the issues, naturally sided with their ‘friend’ and would converse accordingly. “Why do you put up with that? They shouldn’t treat you that way!”

Then my long time buddy made the fatal mistake. In an argument, they told their spouse what the coworker had said about them. The spouse knew immediately that the coworker had been privy to all their dirty laundry. The spouse felt betrayed (in my opinion – rightfully so). The marriage dissolved.

You may be wondering how we went from telling the difference between a friend and an acquaintance to divorce, but in my warped mind they connect. The road linking them is called trust. The difference between a friend and an acquaintance is the level of trust you have for that person.

The person you give your heart to, should be the person you trust more than anyone else. Period, end of sentence. If something isn’t right between you two, trust them to care enough to listen and to make changes. Trust them to have your back and give them that in return.

See it was a twisty, dirt road, but it did eventually get to the point.

dirt road

Change… Is it good?

Nothing ever stays the same. I know this, but… I don’t always like it.

I’m feeling melancholy today. Mother nature seems to be too. It’s a hazy, blah, kind of day here in what’s widely known as the Valley of the Sun.

My youngest and I have been working at the same company for over a year now. We work in different divisions, but we still found time to eat lunch together a couple of times a week. I enjoyed that time together. We laughed a lot and that got us a few odd stares. By nature, we’re very reserved and quiet unless we’re around people we’re comfortable with. That doesn’t happen often at work.

Last week, he turned in his two week notice. He took a great position with a different company. I’m proud of him and it’s the right move. They’re thrilled to get him. They made that plain, but goodness I’m going to miss him.

It has me wondering if it’s time I look elsewhere too. I rarely stay in one place more than five years. I get bored easily and need new challenges. That’s not the only reason though. Truth be told, I don’t like to form bonds with people. I like to keep it light and superficial. Having my son there helped. Before he started there, I was having lunch a couple of times a week with coworkers. We were getting tighter than I’m comfortable with. Once he started with the company, I was able to pull back and stay out of the ‘lunch click’.

Our two divisions have very little in common. He worked with techno types and I work with researchers. For the most part our two divisions never interacted, which kept our lunches usually just the two of us.

Now there’s nothing holding me there. My day to day job is boring. It isn’t challenging me in the least these days. The big question mark is my co-workers. They’re wonderful. Truly a great bunch of people. I enjoy interacting with them and for me that’s a problem. They’ve tried to include me in social events outside of work hours and I’ve managed to evade them for the most part. I don’t like to become entangled with others. I know that might be hard to understand if you’re the gregarious type. But I seriously find people draining, even the awesome group I work with.

My husband is my focal point. He’s truly the only other person on the planet I’m comfortable spending time with. He’s the opposite of everyone else. He energizes me. My kids are a breath behind him. After that, the rest of my crazy family falls somewhere on a wide outer ring. I love them, would do anything in my power to help them when needed, but I need them at arms reach.

Friends fall somewhere behind that. I’ve been stabbed in the back by friends so often my guard rarely comes down these days.

I’m still in contact with a gal I grew up with. We’ve known each other over forty years. We’ve been together through thick and thin. Yet, she doesn’t understand or condone D/s. She can’t accept it. Our talk everyday, know everything about each other, relationship has turned into a meet once a year for coffee. Literally, once a year.

My closest co-worker stabbed me in the back when she learned about my books. She considered D/s to be disrespectful to women and decided to explain my crimes in a loud voice in a crowded restaurant and when that didn’t get the response she was after, she told everyone who would listen in our workplace. Around the same time, I shared the news of my books being published with my brother. He went behind my back and told my family. Suffice to say, it didn’t go over well with them either.

After all that, I vowed to stop handing people a knife and clear path to my back.  I was much more cautious, but one person got through. I hate to think of myself as an optimist. In my mind that conjures up sappy, perky sort of people that make me shake my head in disgust. Yet, maybe I am. Even though I know better, I keep trying to find people I feel comfortable with.

This person believes in D/s as deeply as we do. So I shared a lot of myself. I thought I had found a kindred soul. Two subbies each needing a safe haven to share ideas and discuss the trials and tribulations assorted with D/s, husbands, kids and life in general. Two maybe three years went by with our bond deepening as each day went by. We didn’t agree on everything, but our core values were the same. A few months ago, that came crashing down. We hit a crossroads and our paths diverged. Once again, I find myself questioning why I let them in, why I thought it would be any different this time.

Which brings me to the question of the day – do I stay in my current job and risk getting closer to these people or do I jump ship?

Hello, job board…

jump ship

Support? Trust? Faith?

I’m not sure what the best term is. Perhaps you can help me decide.

About two years and a half years ago, my husband and I had reached a place in life where I no longer needed to hold down an eight to five career. We had dreams of me staying home and writing.

Our marriage is very traditional and as the years pass it has become even more 1950’s idyllic. He has enjoyed having him home. My writing career is doing well. I’ve written twelve books and have two more in the works.

When I came to him and discussed getting another job outside the house. It caught him by surprise. He really didn’t want our lives to change. He was displeased to put it mildly.

I explained where I was coming from, how being home alone was a bit stifling. I didn’t feel connected with the outside world anymore. I knew by his expression that he didn’t understand. Not really surprising, he has no frame of reference in which to base it. He has worked non-stop since he was seventeen. Except for scheduled vacation time, he’s never had a period in his life where he didn’t have a shoulder full of responsibilities.

I know he would love to have unencumbered time to work on his many projects and hobbies. I wish I could switch places with him, though he’d never allow it. The thought of me working and him not, is abhorrent to him. Shh, don’t tell anyone, but he’s a bit of a control freak.

Instead of blowing me off and telling me I was crazy, he listened and believed me even though he found it difficult to fathom. He supported my decision even though it would alter our day to day life.

After much looking, I found as perfect a job as possible. I started it this week. He never once complained about the change in schedule. He woke up early and made my lunch. By some fluke, he got home earlier than I did and he began dinner. On the first night when I came home with pounding headache, he wrapped me in my favorite fleece blanket and snuggled with me. He asked me questions and told me repeatedly how proud he is of me.

Today, I woke up early and made him a hot breakfast. We talked and laughed as he got ready to go. During our goodbye kiss, he remarked on my smile. Apparently, it’s been gone for a while. He was so happy it’s back.

I still don’t think he understands why holding down a job is important to me, but he does understand me. He trusted my decision and had faith in me to find something that would suit both our needs. He gave me a set of wings and allowed me to fly, scary thing for man like my husband. He wants his wife surrounded by bubble wrap and out of harms way.

I wish I didn’t need outside human interaction. I wish I could stay at home every day, always be at his beck and call, and still keep my sanity, but this past months have proven it’s not possible.

When we decided to reinvent our marriage, he made me a vow. He promised to put my life and happiness above his own. This week he proved those were not mere words he whispered in my ear. He meant them and I love him all the more for it.

Snooping…

snoop

Is snooping ever justifiable?

I’m writing book three (Bondage Wedding) and the hero, James, completely by accident–runs across the heroine, Amanda’s, blog. After he reads it, he confronts her. The resulting fireworks are a thing of beauty…

James believes he was in the right. He hadn’t intended to snoop and human nature being what it is–when he came across the title Confessions of a Virgin Sex Addict he was obliged to look. He also points out that there is no expectation of privacy for a public blog.

Amanda, has a great deal to hide and is appalled that he found her posts. She feels it is akin to reading her diary.

To those of you who read my blog regularly, I’m sure you won’t be shocked at all that I’m a total snoop when it comes to my husband. I regularly check his email and social media accounts. I do it under the guise of making sure he doesn’t miss anything important. He often goes for a week or two without looking at them. So, I check them…often…

Any thoughts?

Clubs

A friend and I were talking the other day about who can find a play partner easier–a male Dominant or a female submissive…

It was his contention that girls had it significantly easier. During the conversation the Dr. Hook song “Girls Can Get It,” came to mind. Yes, I know I just showed my age–big time. Apparently Dr. Hook agreed with my friend.

Anyway, his argument was ‘what man wouldn’t agree to tie a woman up’ if they asked. My counter-point was no woman in her right mind would allow a stranger to immobilize her. The dynamics that allow a D/s scene to work MUST include trust.

My book series, Desired Discipline. centers around members of a kink club called DiscipliNation. One of the reasons people join such clubs is for the added measure of safety it offers. Even being at a club though, doesn’t negate the need for trust. A submissive must trust the monitors to do their job and call a halt to a scene if the club safeword is used.

At the end of the conversation, he still argued he was right. I, of course, know differently 🙂 If you agree with me, feel free to weigh in with your opinion…

Okay fine…if you think he’s right (though he isn’t) you can post your comments here too.