Solace

It’s been a hell of a month, this week. Yeah, that’s a pretty non-sequitur phrase but it fits. Life has been piling it on pretty thick the last few days. My brother is fighting cancer and he was given several pieces of bad news. My dad is ill and the doc has no idea what it is. Our kids are unhappy about various assorted things and even though they’re adults, it feels like I should be doing something to ‘fix’ it. And, my job is frustrating the hell out of me. Feeling helpless to change any of it is what galls me the most.

It seems like every time my phone buzzes, it’s more bad news or more crap to deal with. Wednesday night I was close to a panic attack. I felt smothered, like I couldn’t escape and the pressure was keeping me from drawing my next breath.

Feeling buried and helpless to do a thing about it, you wouldn’t expect to find relief by being bound and ravaged, but I did.

My Love knows me. He understands that when I give him backtalk that I’m at wits end. My gruff sass is a way of staying above the emotion threatening to consume me.

When I got home from work, I was withdrawn. I made dinner and played mindless games on my phone. He put up with it for an hour or so. Once we’d eaten, he told me to go into our room and present. I knew better than to argue, but I wasn’t in the right frame of mind. As soon as he came in, I started making comments. Nothing overly snarky, but nowhere close to submissive either. If you squinted, you could assume they were playful.

He merely chuckled and shoved a ball gag in my mouth. While he took his time tying me up, he talked to me. Each wrap of the rope took me further out of my head and deeper under his spell.

He made it clear that I was his to do with as he saw fit. In short order, I was bound, gagged and completely at his mercy. Only then was I able to relax and let go. In his dominance, I found peace.

At the end of the scene, all the issues were still there. Nothing had changed except my perspective. Yet, what a difference it made. I felt stronger and better able to support my family.

Those that complain that BDSM subjugates and enslaves women will never understand how empowering I find it.

We’re a team and we’ll face what life throws at us together. He’s got my back and I’ve got his.

Normal life and other fallacies

My last two posts were pretty much downers. Sorry about that folks. Life threw me some curve balls and eventually I reached the point that I had to write about it. Since then, we’ve managed to find a new normal and settle into a routine again.

Recently, I’ve been trying my hand at matchmaking. We’ll see how this goes. The big meet is set for next Sunday. I’m not sure who is more nervous. One minute, I was having a pleasant breakfast with a friend and the next, I was asking my husband to see if his friend was willing learn all about D/s and explore the lifestyle with a woman he’s never met.

match

After his initial “What?”  and the “have you lost your mind” which I assume he was thinking but he had the good graces not to verbalize, we set the wheels in motion.

It’s awkward enough to have the “I have a friend I’d like you to meet” conversation without adding in the kink factor. As always, my husband supported me in the endeavor. I know it wasn’t easy for him. He’d never discussed our lifestyle with him and this guy hasn’t read any of my books. (I’m pretty sure I heard a few gasps of disbelief and I’m right there with you. When people I know publish a book, I have to check it out. I’m nosy like that. Let’s face it, reading someone’s work is a bit like having a peephole into their mind. I’m certainly curious enough to check it out, but apparently this guy is wired differently.) So, my love, had to give him the reader’s digest version of what D/s is and encourage him to do some research. A few days later, the friend asked to meet her.

I’ve joked with my husband that we could turn our playroom into a rope dojo. In truth, I’m only half kidding. If they hit it off, he’s going to need a mentor. Some people are self taught and quite competent, but I hope he asks for help. She’s a friend of mine and I feel responsible.

ropes

Tune in next week for an update. I don’t know about you, but I’ve got my fingers crossed.

Ripples

ripples

Every choice we make causes a ripple effect…

I sat down to write a very powerful scene in book three. Before I actually opened up the story, I went through all the programs on my laptop that would ping and disrupt me. One of those annoying notifications is FaceBook. As I was going through the latest posts on a discussion group I belong to, I came across a video one of the participants had uploaded.

I’m making a short story longer than necessary, but suffice to say I watched the video. It was like a car wreck unfolding in front of me. You know you don’t want to see what’s happening,–that it will stay with you for a very long time, but you can’t turn away. A phrase we use in my household is ‘once seen it cannot be unseen’.

It was a Shibari demonstration and I love Shibari. However, I don’t love or even like other aspects of the video. Yet, I couldn’t get it out of my head.  I tried to push it away and write the scene.

James and Amanda are great characters, they’re head over heels in lust with each other. I figured if anyone could wash those horrible images from my mind, it would be those two. Well I wrote the scene and it was passionate and hot, but I suspect it played out very differently than if I’d chosen not to watch that video. For starters, James is a Shibari Master, one would assume he’d pull out some rope and get busy. Instead, he decided on honor bondage. Sure it fit with the preceding scenes… Still, it makes me curious.