Celebrity Hallpass

aka – hey, babe, you’re good enough for everyday use, but if I have the opportunity to experience that – I’m outta here.

Is that the message I want to send to my spouse? Absolutely not. I love and adore him. I would never want to undermine his self-confidence in that way.

I had this discussion the other day with my brother. He told me to ‘lighten up, Francis’ it’s a joke.

Well, no it’s not. Was his intention to subconsciously tell his wife she’s a place holder until something better comes along? No. He loves his wife very much. I don’t think he would do anything that he thought would hurt her.

This is the same brother that goes to strip clubs fairly often with ‘the boys’. Another topic we argue about. He tells me I need to grow up. Bawhahahahaha. If only he knew! I tell him he’s showing his wife that she doesn’t do it for him anymore and that if he wants to see something hot he has to go pay for it.

He laughs and tells me, ‘I’m a prude’. Silly boy. When My Love and I are at ‘our’ club we see so much more than what’s allowed to take place in a strip club. The difference is My Love and I don’t go there alone to view the opposite sex. We go there together to have a sexual experience using equipment that we can’t disguise as something else.

We go there for fellowship – although he could argue the same thing. He is there with ‘his boys’ catching up and shooting the shit. How they can do that considering the music volume is another question I’ll never have answered.

He sees a hallpass or his strip club visits as harmless. I see them as detrimental. His wife has had a tummy tuck, liposuction and a boob job. Are the two related? I think so. My brother would surely argue they aren’t. I’m not walking in their shoes. I’m only an outsider looking in, but the two seem connected from my view.


Interesting Weekend

Life can be a fickle bitch, but she has a sense of humor. Just when you’re used to her shitting all over you, she throws you a rose. Or in my case the sweetest branch of thorns I’ve ever had.

A situation arose that placed a heavier emphasis on our D/s than usual. The ‘situation’ was the typical shit life likes to dish out, but my Love turned it around for us. Instead of just accepting what was headed our way, it became a crazy, wonderful weekend that set a new tone for our relationship.

As we worked through the ‘situation’ we tried several new things this weekend. Some we will incorporate and others will be tossed aside, but all garnered valuable information. The debriefing after each scene is so so important. It helps us alleviate misconceptions that have happened in the past. It also allows us to figure out why something pushes our buttons.

One activity we tried, started out great. I grew wet as need thrummed through me. My Love figured we had a winner on our hands, but about fifteen minutes into the scene there was a side effect that left me cold. As my attention was drawn away from the erotic aspect, pain became simply pain and what had been enticing just moments before was suddenly annoying as hell . He noticed immediately, but rather than completely stop the scene he rolled with it. He changed a few things and got us back on track.

Afterward when we were discussing what went wrong, his initial impression was off. He thought I was upset by the essence of the scene. If we hadn’t talked – openly and honestly – he might have taken that type of play off the table completely. I’m so glad we are able to communicate, even about the tough stuff. During our conversation, we learned a little more about what takes me deeper into the submissive zone. It’s crazy that after thirty plus years together, we’re still discovering new stuff.

Yeah, life is good.

One of those talks…

Yesterday we were running around completing errands before we go on a trip. It started innocently enough, just an absentminded comment spoken off the cuff, without malice or forethought. Yet, it bloomed into an all day discussion. Emotions ran high as the conversation turned from mundane to life changing.

Hours, literally hours, went by as the discussion evolved. A decision was needed – about an issue that hadn’t been an issue (or so we thought) before the simple comment was uttered.

We’d found ourselves at a crossroads. Our paths to the fork in the road had been traveled separately, each wandering through the daily minutia alone, yet together. As in times past, we found we were both leaning toward the same conclusion.

In our relationship, my Love has the final say. His word is law. Now, it isn’t quite as one sided as that sounds. He asks my opinion and I believe he takes my wishes and desires into consideration before he makes his decision. I haven’t always agreed with him, but I’ve understood the underlying reasons and I support his choices.

The game plan for moving forward hasn’t been finalized. We’re still sorting through the ramifications and developing a timeline for changes. It’s exciting and nerve-wracking.

It always surprises me how intertwined my life is with the characters in my books. Against the Tide, which will be book four in the Bound for Justice series, is almost done. I’m probably three-quarters through the rough draft. Yet, just yesterday my Love and I found ourselves in the same boat as Mandy and Chase. Sure the topics were different, but the precipice was the same. The knowledge that once we take this step – there’s no backing out. You can’t un-ring the bell.

I’m confident that Chase and Mandy will find their happy ever after and so will we.


Miscalculation or Bonding Moment?

My Love came up with a new idea he wanted to try. He was very excited about it. Friday he’d texted me several times teasing me unmercifully. As so often happens, life got in the way and by the time we were home we practically fell asleep before our heads hit the pillow. Saturday was a full day as well, but fate gave us a break and we were able to eek out a few hours of alone time that evening.

He had the ropes out and ready. A towel covered an assortment of torture toys as I like to call them. My heart was pounding in anticipation as I presented for him.

His first instruction was something I couldn’t do. I tried to get into the position he wanted. It wasn’t difficult, but my ankles said no. He made several consolations for me. We tried it with towels and even a pillow, but I couldn’t manage the position. All I could think about was how I’d ruined his plans. He’d gone to so much trouble. He planned it all out. He was excited about living out a fantasy and now I’d shot holes all through it.

I can’t put a finger on the emotion that filled me – shame? embarrassment? I don’t know. It wasn’t positive that much is for sure. Frustration was a alive and well in me, but My Love was taking it in stride. He remained calm and acted like it was no big deal. I might have believed him if we hadn’t been looking forward to this for days.

rope bundleHe picked up a bundle of rope and tossed it aside. As he bound my hands and fashioned a crotch rope that other bundle sat there unused. It stared at me and called me names the entire time. Failure. Wimp. You’re getting too old. You’re out of shape. This is your fault. If he’s stuck with you the rest of his life, he’ll never get to live out his true fantasies. Yeah, that rope was on a roll. It was loud and hard to ignore.


Once My Love cinched the crotch rope, the bundle finally gave up. As the scene progressed and clamps we added and tightened, even the echos of the self-doubt caused by the bundle were pushed away. I was definitely living in the moment and giving My Love the undivided attention he deserved.

Phase two of the scene included a change of position. I tried to go with it. I really did. I’d already ruined his plans and forced him to make concessions, but I couldn’t continue. The pain wasn’t of the good variety. I had to use our caution safeword.

Because he’s a good guy, his first and only concern to was to my safety and happiness. Again, he was able to think on his feet and change to situation to meet my needs.

I barely managed to keep the tears from clouding my eyes. I didn’t need that bundle of rope to add cry baby to my list of sins.

In a matter of moments, the discomfort was gone and pleasure took its place. So much pleasure all thinking was pushed aside. My first orgasm was mind blowing, the second and third shook my world off its axis.

Once my brain came back on line, I realized he hadn’t released yet. I asked him what was wrong. He’d rocked my world eight ways of Sunday and he hadn’t come. He kissed my cheek and said, “it was all good. I’m not done with you yet.”

Then I knew. We’ve been married for thirty plus years, I know his tells. All the adjustments he’d had to make had taken him out of Dom space. He wasn’t in the moment. He was hard and more than getting the job done, but he wasn’t finding his own pleasure.

The rope bundle was laughing his nasty ass off now. I flipped it my middle finger. My Love needed me to think of him not shrink into myself and hide. “Use me Master. Let me be your fuck toy.”

His smile was filled with a mix of emotions, but the growl he gave me set my heart pounding all over again.He changed positions again and took me like a man possessed. At the end of the evening, we were both sated. And sore. 🙂

As we laid together, I was trying to get a grip on my emotions and get my talk track ready. I would not cry. I would apologize for ruining his plans. I would tell him I’ll find some exercises to strengthen my ankles. I wouldn’t let my weaknesses keep us for fulfilling his fantasies. Give me time and I’ll get there.

Before I could start my diatribe, he brushed his hand down my cheek. “Thank you for having patience with me, Angel. I’m sorry it didn’t work the way I’d planned.”

What? I couldn’t quite wrap my head around his words. Had he just apologized? But this was my fault. My failure.

“Your patience means more to me than you could possibly know.” His touch was tender, his kisses sweet. Such a departure from only a few minutes before.

“But, I’m the one who messed up your plans. I’m sorry I was such a pain in the neck.” I had to let him off the hook. He was taking the blame, when it was really mine.

He kissed my forehead. “Silly subbie, you did nothing wrong. You were perfect. When we try something new, you have to give me constant feedback. How else will I be able to make it right for us? Your confidence and faith in me allows me to try new things. If you got frustrated and called me an imbecile or a dumbass who couldn’t even plan a scene properly, I’d never be able to break out of the ordinary.

I looked over at the rope bundle with an evil glint in my eye. Apparently, it was an equal opportunity berate(r). It was yelling at my wonderful husband with as much venom as it had been yelling at me. Thank goodness, we hadn’t let it ruin our evening.

I learned something last night. My big bad Dom has a few insecurities too. Of course, I knew that, but damn it’s easy to forget. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in my own head and forget he’s human too – that he needs me as much as I need him.

He drew us a warm bath and we discussed what worked and what didn’t. We discussed our insecurities too. Talking about them, took away some of their power and strengthened our bond. I’d say the evening was absolutely perfect.



Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar

My husband and I have been married thirty years. You’d think at this point we’d know everything the other is thinking and sometimes it’s true. I’d say, in many ways, he knows me better than I know myself. He knows my ‘tells’. He can read my mood, my fears and he understands those introspective moments that can send my attitude into the basement.

But sometimes it takes a long heartfelt conversation to get us on the same page. Yesterday was such a day. We have been discussing a major purchase we plan to make in late 2015. It’s something he has wanted for a long time, but doesn’t need in the least. When it comes to spending money on himself, sometimes, he needs some encouraging and I’m happy to provide it.

Last weekend, I suggested he take the plunge. This ‘want’ isn’t going away. It’s obviously something he truly desires. What subbie doesn’t want to see that boyish smile of glee on their Master’s face?

Being the responsible man that he is, he wants to get his ducks in a row before he lays out that kind of money. I respect that. This is far from an impulsive purchase.

In my mind, the decision was made, the plan was created and set into motion. It was a done deal, so to speak. I learned yesterday that that was not the case. Apparently, I had made a few comments during this past week that had him confused. He thought I was having second thoughts. He’d strung a series of idle conversations together to get the wrong impression. I’m so pleased he approached me with his concerns rather than letting them grow and fester. I was able to easily put his fear to rest. Once again, we are on the same page and moving forward.

What surprises me the most is that he thought my opinion would change, that I would want him to compromise and purchase something more in line with my passions. I fully admit, in years past I may have pulled such a stunt, but not today. I receive my greatest joy in seeing him happy. I’m determined he will buy exactly what he wants.

It does sadden me though, that the shadows of times past can still color today, but we’ve made great progress and my focus will stay on the positive. He came to me and we cleared the air, no muss, no fuss. Although I see him as an all knowing leader, confident in his choices, without having those open lines of communication we would never be able to stay the cohesive team that we are today. We need to share our concerns with the same openness that we share our wishes and desires. Each day we learn a little more, our journey takes us a little deeper, and the ride grows a little more intense.

Saddle up! The experience continues.