Preparing…

I’m a woman, so obviously I’ve never been a boy scout, but I do try to always be prepared. When my kids were little, I carried enough crap to keep a small army entertained and fed anytime we left the house. I’m one of those obnoxious people that finishes their Christmas shopping before Thanksgiving, sometimes Halloween. And taxes – why wait? By the first week of January the receipts are tallied and I have a spreadsheet that clearly spells out every possible deduction our accountant can use.

But the one thing I’m never prepared for is the death of a family member. We found out last summer that my sister had cancer. It was already at stage four and the prognosis was never good. They thought they could slow down its progress and buy her a couple years. Less than a month ago, they realized it had spread further and faster than expected. She was told to get her affairs in order. We knew her time was dwindling.

Tonight, I received the dreaded call. It was expected and yet not. I don’t think there’s anyway to truly prepare. It was the same way when my mom was ill.We knew it was coming, but when the call came it still felt like I was hit by a ton of bricks.

I think a small part of me always held out a tiny bit of hope. Ridiculous really when you have every medical professional telling you otherwise. I’m usually a ‘glass half empty’ kind of person, but when it comes to the lives of my loved ones I suddenly turn into a ‘it’s mostly full’ kind of person.

While I don’t believe we’re ever truly prepared to let a loved one go, we can learn to appreciate every moment we’re given with each other. Maybe it’s time to overlook how crazy Aunt Barbara gets on your last nerve with her incessant talking. Maybe if you try really hard, you could find a sliver of humor when Uncle Dave sticks his finger in your ear and makes wet willy jokes. Maybe…It could happen…Some day.

Humpty Dumpty…

What do you do when the world gets to be too much?

Stress has been a living breathing entity in our family for a couple of months. Both my kids have recently switched jobs. Since they’re both adults it shouldn’t effect us right? Not true. I think parenting becomes harder as the kids age. The problems and the stakes involved only escalate as the breadth of parental control lessens. To add to the tension, I had been interviewing also. In the end, I was stymied by an unexpected hiring freeze.

Last weekend I had hopes that the worst of the storm had passed. Both kiddos had settled nicely into their new positions, My Love and I had set aside a few hours of quiet intimate time and the world was a happy place.

Sunday morning rolled around and I went in search of a glass of water and my phone. The little blue light was blinking. It is every morning so I hadn’t been prepared. I figured it was Groupon, Figi’s, Venus and a host of other retailers telling me about their great offers that I couldn’t possibly miss. Nope, it was the news that my sister’s cancer had spread. Doctors say she has a month – maybe. Three weeks ago, she had been responding nicely and while a cure wasn’t possible, they felt the progression had slowed and she had a couple of years. They were upbeat because breakthroughs were happening all the time. Now, those same smiling doctors are solemn and grim faced.

I’m angry. So angry. It’s my default emotion. It’s my coping mechanism. It’s my wall between me and pain. At some point the wall will fall, but My Love will be there to pick up the pieces once again. He’s my knight in war ravaged armor. Thankfully, he’s proven he’s better than the King’s men Humpty had counted on.

wall

What do you do when you realize the light shining brightly isn’t the end of the tunnel, it’s a fast moving train headed straight for you?

 

Adios 2015!

As the year comes to a close, I’m a little apprehensive to see it go. It has had a few high points. My son graduated from college and his career is taking off. I picked up a part time job that I have really enjoyed. I’ve made some dear friends and I’m happy working there. But mostly 2015 has been a bad news year.

Cancer reared its ugly head. It took a friend of mine and has latched its teeth into two of my siblings. My brother is making a little progress in his battle. His last scan showed improvement, but a cure isn’t the cards. The best he can hope for is to slow its growth and maintain his current quality of life. Unfortunately, my sister’s battle is nearing the end. She’s in stage four and they’re striving to make her comfortable. As is so often the case, the family drama has kicked into overdrive. It would be nice if attitudes and egos could give it a rest.

I’ve seen many posts on Tumblr and Facebook touting 2016 as a clean slate. I wish that were the case. Unfortunately, we drag a lot of baggage into the new year with us. While attitude and good spirits can take you pretty far, some circumstances will remain the same. The battle my siblings endure will not suddenly disappear as the clock strikes twelve.

On a different note, my comfy job is coming to an end as well. There’s a hiring freeze and a ceiling limit on employees. In the current state of affairs, a part time employee counts the same as a full time employee. Our  work load has increased significantly, but as it stands now, they aren’t allowed to add to the head count. Therefore, my part time position is going full time. They want me to stay on, but there’s a big difference between 24 hours and 40.  Needs of the business dictates the change and I understand and even empathize, but I don’t like it. My position will be posted at the beginning of the year. I have to decide whether to step aside or step up to the plate. I am exceedingly blessed to be given the option. I do realize many people are not so fortunate, but for me, it’s a big pill to swallow.

On a more positive note, I have a book coming out the first Tuesday in January. Against the Odds is the second book in the Bound for Justice series. The editor and I went a few rounds over that book. It was the most heated editing session I’ve ever been through and I’m anxious to hear what you think of the final product. If you don’t like waiting, it’s available now through the publisher’s website. Click here to check it out.

againsttheodds_800

I’m hard at work on book three, Sammy’s story, Against the Grain. I’m hoping to send it to the publisher in February.

Be good to us 2016.

Control

It’s interesting how giving control to another is empowering and yet having no control is one of the most frightening and frustrating things in the world.

As a submissive, I am in my element when I give control to my Love and follow his lead. I trust and respect him. I know he will make choices that benefit the both of us.

Standing on the sidelines, watching the daughter, of my friend that recently passed away, make decisions that are not forward thinking and do not take the future into account, is really difficult. I’ve tried to advise, but I have no control.

Standing on the sidelines watching my brother’s cancer steal his strength as he slowly loses the battle with Leukemia, is really scary. As if the battle wasn’t stacked against him, due to his kidney failure he has to fight with one hand tied behind his back. The drugs that could serve him best with one aliment would kill him because of the other. I want to do something. I want to help, but I have no control.

Standing on the sidelines watching the doctors throw their hands in the air and refuse to even fight my sister’s cancer is beyond frustrating. Their only goal is to ‘make her comfortable’. Eff that! Can’t you even try to fight? Apparently not. Once again, I’m faced with the fact that I have no control.

In these three situations, I feel no empowerment. There’s no exchange. There’s only take.

When I give my Love my submission, I exchange my sense of control for a role of servitude. I serve him with complete confidence that my needs/wants/wishes are of foremost importance to him. It’s comforting to let it all go and focus on him.

I suppose to someone with no knowledge of D/s, someone who looks at both in a black and white fashion, just a mere glance at the facts – both situations look virtually the same, both are a loss of control, but I can assure you there is a world of difference. Giving him control takes me to a warm, sunny beach. Having no control is like standing nude on a frozen lake and being buffeted by icy winds. There’s no comparison.

beach

Here we go again…

Three days. A mere seventy-two hours. That’s it. That’s all the reprieve we received from the memorial service of my friend to my brother receiving news that his cancer is growing again. Seriously cosmos, can’t we have a little more down time than that?

again

I think it’s time to get lost in my writing again. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have that to fall back on. On a positive note, Against the Grain is coming together rather well. The characters are talking to me. They want their story told. I think I’ll always hold a soft spot in my heart for these two for helping me through this period.

Books are a healing force

My last post was far from uplifting. Sadly, this week hasn’t gotten any better. On Sunday, we were told my sister’s cancer has progressed to Stage four and is untreatable. We haven’t been on the best of terms over last few years and there’s a whole lot of emotions I’m trying to work through. I’m the youngest of six and she’s the oldest. She moved out and joined the Air Force the year after I was born. To say we aren’t the closest of siblings is an understatement. Yet, she’s still my sister.

The day after receiving that devastating news, my friend I wrote about in the previous post passed away. A mere four days after she was told she only had a few weeks. Modern medicine has a plenty of room for improvement.

Honestly, it’s too much for me to handle right now. I need to take it in bits and pieces. I’m trying to look at the big picture, but my brain lacks the appropriate panoramic lens to take it all in.

So, I’m doing what I always do when reality gets to be too much, I dive head first into my work. I create characters that can be bigger than me, better adjusted and able to take the high road.

The female lead in my next book is dealing with two recent deaths. One looks like an accident and the other natural causes, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they turn out to be murder. The hero helps her to come to terms with her loss. Right at this moment, I’m not sure how he’s going to do it. Pain is swamping her, though she’s trying to bury it enough to go through her day to day activities.

He (Sammy from Against the Rules and Against the Odds) has his work cut out for him. If it’s murder, he’ll have to protect her while he hunts for the predator(s) that’s haunting her life.

One things for sure, at the end of my book the bad guy, unlike cancer, won’t be able to come back and destroy other innocent lives.