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Celebrity Hallpass

aka – hey, babe, you’re good enough for everyday use, but if I have the opportunity to experience that – I’m outta here.

Is that the message I want to send to my spouse? Absolutely not. I love and adore him. I would never want to undermine his self-confidence in that way.

I had this discussion the other day with my brother. He told me to ‘lighten up, Francis’ it’s a joke.

Well, no it’s not. Was his intention to subconsciously tell his wife she’s a place holder until something better comes along? No. He loves his wife very much. I don’t think he would do anything that he thought would hurt her.

This is the same brother that goes to strip clubs fairly often with ‘the boys’. Another topic we argue about. He tells me I need to grow up. Bawhahahahaha. If only he knew! I tell him he’s showing his wife that she doesn’t do it for him anymore and that if he wants to see something hot he has to go pay for it.

He laughs and tells me, ‘I’m a prude’. Silly boy. When My Love and I are at ‘our’ club we see so much more than what’s allowed to take place in a strip club. The difference is My Love and I don’t go there alone to view the opposite sex. We go there together to have a sexual experience using equipment that we can’t disguise as something else.

We go there for fellowship – although he could argue the same thing. He is there with ‘his boys’ catching up and shooting the shit. How they can do that considering the music volume is another question I’ll never have answered.

He sees a hallpass or his strip club visits as harmless. I see them as detrimental. His wife has had a tummy tuck, liposuction and a boob job. Are the two related? I think so. My brother would surely argue they aren’t. I’m not walking in their shoes. I’m only an outsider looking in, but the two seem connected from my view.

Thoughts?

Escapism is my friend

I’m still feeling the loss of my pup. I tear up all the time. I can still see him sitting his rump on my couch – because he knew his feet weren’t allowed up there and I still find myself bending down to give him a treat or saying, “mommy loves her boys – be good,” as I head off to work. But there is only one boy now.

I knew I needed to lose myself in a new story, but I had to finish His to Own. I wanted the three stories previously published in the Master’s Touch series to be back on the market, before I started writing the fourth. It took a long time to reverse the changes the publisher had made, but I finally uploaded it to Amazon this afternoon. It is probably my favorite of that series so far and I enjoyed going back through it, but there’s nothing like creating a new story.

The characters will share their story in bits and pieces. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night and finally understand why this person did this or said that. It’s so cool when all the pieces finally fit together. It can’t fill the void of losing my pup, but it can help me escape for a while.

In the couple of hours I’ve been working on it, I’m at a little over two thousand words. I have a long journey ahead, with twists and turns and I’m sure the characters will throw me a curve of their own before it’s completed, but it feels good to be excited about something.

If you haven’t visited the world of Master’s Touch, you can find it here. The third book, His to Own, should be available shortly.

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Let’s Be Independent Together

Yeah, I know it’s 114 degrees outside and there’s no good reason why I’m remembering a line from a Christmas movie – but there it is. I’m weird like that.

My Love and I have been together over 37 years. I think it works because we still enjoy and crave our together time. We are independent people. My guy collects toy trains, he enjoys working on cars and cruising around the lake in whatever boat he’s just finished restoring. I have little interest in trains, but I go to the swap meets and help him rummage through the boxes. The only aspect I enjoy about cars is driving them – and extra-curriculars in the backseat, but I go to junk yards with him and help him find whatever widget he’s searching for this time. And I listen as he describes the variations and the small nuances that intrigue him. I know w-a-y more about cars and Lionel trains than I ever thought I would.

I’m sure you see where this is going. I don’t have to enjoy the same aspects of his hobbies as he does. I find enjoyment in watching his face light up when he finds something that makes him happy. I want to be the person he thinks of first when reaches out to share an experience.

By the same token, he has no interest in stained glass. He enjoys the final product, but he’s not one to stand at the work bench for hours on end cutting out tiny pieces of glass, surrounding them with lead and soldering them together. Oh, he has the talent and the patience – just not the interest. Yet, he goes with me to the glass shop and helps me pick out the glass. He feeds me snacks when I’m working with lead and really shouldn’t be messing with food. He goes clothing shopping with me and never complains about how long I take or all the multitude of packages he holds for me. He reads my books-each and every version until it’s just the way I want it. We bounces story lines back and forth and he helps me with scenes that frustrate the daylights out of me. He also my biggest cheerleader. When I’m ready to throw in the towel, he’s there to bolster my spirits.

I revel in knowing that I can be my own person. I can have interests separate from him, yet he’s willing to share them with me – in one capacity or another. We are independent together.

Busy Busy

You might have notices some changes with my website. Since the issue with my previous publisher is now completed, I decided to revamp the look and feel of things. I feel as if I’ve shed a heavy coat and walked into the sunshine. Hope you like it!

I spent yesterday with a houseful of people and being the introvert that I am, after a few hours of that, I needed to escape for a while. I pulled out my jewelry makings and got busy.  I figure making nipple nooses isn’t any different than whipping out your phone and scrolling through half a dozen messages, Facebook and so forth.

I was still able to chat and take part in the fun, but I was productive as well. 20180702_084826

https://www.etsy.com/shop/DesiredDiscipline

Finding the new norm

We lost our Great Dane a short time ago. He was my constant companion and I’m still devastated. We’re spending a ton of time with our one remaining pup, Duncan. He’s actually my son’s dog, but my son has moved on and Duncan is still here, so…

Duncan misses his big brother. He’s a corgi mix and loved to live underneath my Great Dane. I used to call them my high-boy and my low-boy. They were quite a pair.

We’re all adjusting. I’m throwing myself into training Duncan and writing. Since I regained the rights to my Master’s Touch series, I’ve been working on restoring them to the way I had wanted them. The first two are out – The One and Only and All Grown Up. I’m working on His To Own.

My soon to be son-in-law created the book covers. I love the design. He does such great work. If you’re in the market for web design, help with your brand or anything like that – check out his website at katz-concepts.com or shoot him an email at ryan@katz-concepts.com IMG-20180602-WA0000

Once I’ve got His to Own finished, I’m going to start on a new project – Tyler Jones’s story. He first appeared in The One and Only and made a brief appearance in All Grown Up. He’s a police officer just beginning to explore the lifestyle. He meets his honey at the new member orientation for Cat Tails, an exclusive BDSM club. As they go through the classes together, their relationship builds. She’s a complicated lady, a good friend, but pretty naive. She trusts when she shouldn’t and definitely needs a lesson or two in enemy recognition. I’m excited to start writing!

When reality starts weighing too heavily on me, I always escape to a world of my own. It gives me time to find a way to deal with everything. Thankfully, my Love understands and encourages me.

https://tinyurl.com/y79ogyo2

amazon.com/author/toricarson

 

Looking for something to read?

After a long fight with my publisher, my rights have been restored and the author’s edition of All Grown Up is now available!
Can lightning strike twice? Steven isn’t sure he wants it to. When Belle left him, his life crumbled to pieces. He’d lost his job, his place and worst yet his confidence. That’s something no Dom could afford to lose. After he’d exhausted his resources and still couldn’t find her, he’d moved on.

Now, Belle’s back and she’d come searching for him. Steven wonders if her plan is to ruin him for good.

Cover by Katz Concepts

Check out his website at katz-concepts.com or shoot him an email at ryan@katz-concepts.com

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Rough Week

It’s been a rough week. We had to say goodbye to our Great Dane, Mickie. Man, it hurts. He’s been my constant companion for the last nine and a half years. He’ll be sorely missed.

My brother also went into the hospital to have his one remaining kidney removed. As I write this, I’m waiting to hear the outcome. We all suspect cancer. The real question is has it spread.

To make matters even harder to handle -my Love and I have been off-kilter for a few months now. As soon as he got back from a long ass trip to New York, our pup started going down him. Most of our time and energy was spent keeping him happy and as healthy as possible. Toss in a job change for me, a visit from the in-laws, and my brother’s failing health and you get stress. Lots of stress.

We’re working on getting our D/s back on track. It’s way too easy for it to take a backseat when life decides to rear its ugly head. It’s a nasty catch 22. Our D/s is like anything else – it needs maintenance. Sometimes it flows smoothly and is  deeply interwoven into our relationship. Sometimes it’s an uphill battle. When you’re falling into bed and happy if you catch four or five hours of sleep, it’s hard enough to make time for a quick romp, let alone a whole scene.

The more time that passes between scenes, the harder it is to push away the stress. Finding the right mindset seems next to impossible when you’re listening to make sure the pup is breathing okay, or in fear of the phone ringing with news you really don’t want to hear.

But it’s worth it. The connection we feel during and after a scene is hard to describe. The intimacy that comes from being vulnerable can’t be found any other way – or at least not for us.

As long as we stay tight, we’ll weather any storm that comes our way.

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Happy Dancing all over the house!

It’s time. There were days when I wondered if it would ever happen again. The One and Only is available for sale. After an incredibly long dispute with the original publisher, I own the rights again. I also put the book back to the way I had wanted it in the first place.

I’m done with editors who don’t understand a single thing about the lifestyle telling me how to ‘correct’ my story. I could write a 10k page book on some of the absurd changes I’ve been told to make over the years. My family and friends duck for cover when it’s editing time. I’ll stare my computer and scream random phrases – What do you mean that’s impossible? Have you ever had sex before? Independent body part? Eff you! It’s written in her POV for heaven’s sake. On and on it goes until ‘my editor’ is as frustrated with me as I am with them and then they turn me over to a group that is supposed to look for only the grammatical errors. Of course, you’ll get one or two of them that have to comment on the content and the fun starts all over again. By the time it’s done my head is ready to explode.

This one is all mine. For better or for worse.  amazon.com/author/toricarson

TheOneAndOnly_BookCover_V2

The cover was done by my soon to be son-in-law. I absolutely LOVE his work. If you’re publishing a book, please consider working with him. Unlike my previous art designers, he actually listens to my ideas. I wanted something elegant, romantic and a touch dark. I wanted the Dom to be the focal point. We discussed the story line and plot of each book. After that, I turned him loose and hoped for the best.

He came up with the series design and matched each cover to the individual stories. Small details, I hadn’t noticed at first, such as the type of plants that run along the top are specific to plot elements. I am very impressed with his work. The covers are amazing and I couldn’t be happier. He’s awesome. If you’re self publishing – give him a shot. You’ll love him.

Check out his website at katz-concepts.com or shoot him an email at ryan@katz-concepts.com

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Time to go…

Tomorrow is my last day at my current job. I’ve been working with the same group of people for the last four years. Five is my norm. In a work environment, I’m an easy going person. I try hard to keep all my professional relationships short and sweet. I attempt to be friendly and helpful, but nothing more than superficial niceties. After a while, it seems, people want to share their deep dark secrets and they expect it to be reciprocated. Not happening.

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I don’t care about their political views. I don’t care about their religious preferences. I don’t care if they prefer dogs or cats or which way they hang their toilet paper. That doesn’t mean I don’t care about them. I do. Overall, they seem like perfectly lovely people. I hope they’re happy and that life treats them well.

If they do their job and allow me to do mine, we’re good. That’s all I need.

Unfortunately, it’s rarely good enough for others. People expect you to share parts of your life that really aren’t anyone’s business, but your own. It frustrates the shit out of me. If I avoid their nosy questions, then I’m standoffish. If I let it all hang out, then it gets messy.

I’ve made that mistake in the past and I don’t intend to make it again. Instead, I do my job and get out. When people start to get too close, I move on.

It’s only been four years, but I’ve waited too long. My boss is upset that I’m leaving. Upset might be an understatement. I’ve dealt with tears and/or the silent treatment ever since I gave notice. My boss has used the phrase ‘I can’t believe you’d do this to me’ several times.

Let’s see, I did my job to the best of my ability for four years. I looked for and found another position. Once it was confirmed that I was the chosen candidate – I gave notice. I’ve wrapped up all the lose ends, written instructions for any processes that I created and transferred all my files. What exactly have I done that is unbelievable?

It’s a job not a marriage. I didn’t take a vow of servitude. I gave forty hours of my time each week in exchange for forty hours worth of pay. I didn’t even take a job with a competitor. The position I took is complimentary and in no way adversarial to my workmates or the organization.

And yet, I feel guilty. I feel like I did something wrong. Like my inability to blend in with my coworkers, to share my deep dark secrets with colleagues is my failing. Right?

After losing a host of friends, once they learned about my books and sexual proclivities, I’ve learned to be a private person. I’m tired of friends and family running in the opposite direction or throwing women’s rights in my face, or using the word submissive  like it’s something to be ashamed of, or looking at My Love like he’s some sort of abusive asshole. I’ve learned to keep my private life – private. But I haven’t learned how to do it and remain one of the girls.

In truth – I’m proud of my life. I’m proud of my marriage. I’m proud of my books. I’m proud of the work I do at my day job. I’m not proud, however, that I hurt my boss. If I’d been successful in keeping my job completely professional then ‘hurt’ wouldn’t have been on the radar. ‘Hurt’ isn’t a word that should be associated with work. I failed in that regard.

On Monday, the clock starts over. I get another chance to learn from my mistakes and hopefully I get it right this time.

On and on we go…

It’s nothing new. Every time My Love has to go away for an extended period of time our D/s slows down. It’s never pure vanilla. I don’t think either one of us could go back to that, but the intensity backs way off.

I’m not sure if he has difficulty finding his Dom space when he knows he’s about to fly across the continent or if he worries about me suffering from sub-drop while he’s away.

Once he returns, he’s ready to dive right back in, but I struggle a bit. He’s in tune with me and understands. He still pushes, as is his right, yet it isn’t at the depth he’d probably prefer. One scene at a time, we build the power between us.

Two days after he’d walked back into my arms, we were nearly back on track. My emotions were settled and our scenes were heating up faster than an Arizona summer.

That night our pup, a nine year old Great Dane, took a bad turn. My Love drove him to the vet and we received the long face. He brought our baby boy back home and our attention is now centered on him. We need to make him comfortable and do what we can to hold off the inevitable.

Neither of us feels our normal drive. Our pets are more than pets. They’re part of our chosen family, that small group of beings we prefer to spend our time with – rather than those that share a strand or two of similar DNA.

It’s funny how the amazing sex portion of our D/s helps us deal with day to day stress, but when our heart is being ripped out it isn’t as helpful. I’m not saying we revert back to a vanilla couple. I’m not sure anything could do that. Instead it’s the emotional side of our D/s that brings us the most comfort.

I find a semblance of peace in serving My Love. Whether I serve him through seriously kinky sex or by keeping fresh, sun-tea chilled in the refrigerator, our familiar roles help us cope.

My Love is shouldering the responsibility even though it isn’t his fault. It’s no one’s fault, but someone he loves is in a bad way and he can’t fix it. He can’t change the inevitable. Yet, he isn’t giving up. He’s determined to give our pup as much time as possible. He’s been spending his vacation time coaxing our baby boy to eat, drink and take his meds. He gets up multiple times a night and takes him outside without a single word of complaint.

And in the process, My Love is stealing my broken heart. Watching his gentle care of our pup reminds me of why I offer him my love and my submission each and every day.

Together. As always. We will make it through this.