Time to go…

Tomorrow is my last day at my current job. I’ve been working with the same group of people for the last four years. Five is my norm. In a work environment, I’m an easy going person. I try hard to keep all my professional relationships short and sweet. I attempt to be friendly and helpful, but nothing more than superficial niceties. After a while, it seems, people want to share their deep dark secrets and they expect it to be reciprocated. Not happening.

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I don’t care about their political views. I don’t care about their religious preferences. I don’t care if they prefer dogs or cats or which way they hang their toilet paper. That doesn’t mean I don’t care about them. I do. Overall, they seem like perfectly lovely people. I hope they’re happy and that life treats them well.

If they do their job and allow me to do mine, we’re good. That’s all I need.

Unfortunately, it’s rarely good enough for others. People expect you to share parts of your life that really aren’t anyone’s business, but your own. It frustrates the shit out of me. If I avoid their nosy questions, then I’m standoffish. If I let it all hang out, then it gets messy.

I’ve made that mistake in the past and I don’t intend to make it again. Instead, I do my job and get out. When people start to get too close, I move on.

It’s only been four years, but I’ve waited too long. My boss is upset that I’m leaving. Upset might be an understatement. I’ve dealt with tears and/or the silent treatment ever since I gave notice. My boss has used the phrase ‘I can’t believe you’d do this to me’ several times.

Let’s see, I did my job to the best of my ability for four years. I looked for and found another position. Once it was confirmed that I was the chosen candidate – I gave notice. I’ve wrapped up all the lose ends, written instructions for any processes that I created and transferred all my files. What exactly have I done that is unbelievable?

It’s a job not a marriage. I didn’t take a vow of servitude. I gave forty hours of my time each week in exchange for forty hours worth of pay. I didn’t even take a job with a competitor. The position I took is complimentary and in no way adversarial to my workmates or the organization.

And yet, I feel guilty. I feel like I did something wrong. Like my inability to blend in with my coworkers, to share my deep dark secrets with colleagues is my failing. Right?

After losing a host of friends, once they learned about my books and sexual proclivities, I’ve learned to be a private person. I’m tired of friends and family running in the opposite direction or throwing women’s rights in my face, or using the word submissive  like it’s something to be ashamed of, or looking at My Love like he’s some sort of abusive asshole. I’ve learned to keep my private life – private. But I haven’t learned how to do it and remain one of the girls.

In truth – I’m proud of my life. I’m proud of my marriage. I’m proud of my books. I’m proud of the work I do at my day job. I’m not proud, however, that I hurt my boss. If I’d been successful in keeping my job completely professional then ‘hurt’ wouldn’t have been on the radar. ‘Hurt’ isn’t a word that should be associated with work. I failed in that regard.

On Monday, the clock starts over. I get another chance to learn from my mistakes and hopefully I get it right this time.

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On and on we go…

It’s nothing new. Every time My Love has to go away for an extended period of time our D/s slows down. It’s never pure vanilla. I don’t think either one of us could go back to that, but the intensity backs way off.

I’m not sure if he has difficulty finding his Dom space when he knows he’s about to fly across the continent or if he worries about me suffering from sub-drop while he’s away.

Once he returns, he’s ready to dive right back in, but I struggle a bit. He’s in tune with me and understands. He still pushes, as is his right, yet it isn’t at the depth he’d probably prefer. One scene at a time, we build the power between us.

Two days after he’d walked back into my arms, we were nearly back on track. My emotions were settled and our scenes were heating up faster than an Arizona summer.

That night our pup, a nine year old Great Dane, took a bad turn. My Love drove him to the vet and we received the long face. He brought our baby boy back home and our attention is now centered on him. We need to make him comfortable and do what we can to hold off the inevitable.

Neither of us feels our normal drive. Our pets are more than pets. They’re part of our chosen family, that small group of beings we prefer to spend our time with – rather than those that share a strand or two of similar DNA.

It’s funny how the amazing sex portion of our D/s helps us deal with day to day stress, but when our heart is being ripped out it isn’t as helpful. I’m not saying we revert back to a vanilla couple. I’m not sure anything could do that. Instead it’s the emotional side of our D/s that brings us the most comfort.

I find a semblance of peace in serving My Love. Whether I serve him through seriously kinky sex or by keeping fresh, sun-tea chilled in the refrigerator, our familiar roles help us cope.

My Love is shouldering the responsibility even though it isn’t his fault. It’s no one’s fault, but someone he loves is in a bad way and he can’t fix it. He can’t change the inevitable. Yet, he isn’t giving up. He’s determined to give our pup as much time as possible. He’s been spending his vacation time coaxing our baby boy to eat, drink and take his meds. He gets up multiple times a night and takes him outside without a single word of complaint.

And in the process, My Love is stealing my broken heart. Watching his gentle care of our pup reminds me of why I offer him my love and my submission each and every day.

Together. As always. We will make it through this.

34 years and we still blunder…

Last Friday, I also received fantastic news about my brother. The experimental treatment he’s on has really made great strides and his test results are looking amazing. Ironically, I received his text while I was sitting in an emergency room in more pain than I can remember going through in a long time.

Thursday, I had a nagging headache. It wouldn’t leave me alone. I wanted nothing more than to go home and sleep it off, but both our kids reached out with issues they wanted to discuss. Fast forward, it’s midnight, my head is screaming and my stomach is decidedly unhappy. I’ve done all I can do parent wise and I try to sleep. My head had other plans. I woke in severe pain several times. I told my Love, I was staying home from work. I didn’t think I could drive there anyway. Since he was taking off the following week, he felt he needed to go in and that playing hookie wasn’t an option. I get it. He’s a stand-up guy. Loyal. Doing what’s right matters to him.

As the day progresses, I get sicker and sicker. I began to think I had stomach flu in addition to the migraine. I kept thinking if it doesn’t let up I’m going to have to go to the doctor. I knew I couldn’t drive and I knew my Love was miles and miles away. I thought about calling another member of my family for a ride. Clearly, I wasn’t thinking properly.

I know I come first. Nothing is more important to my husband than I am.  He tells me this all the time. He makes me repeat it on occasion. I knew if I told him ‘come home’, he would have. I was trying to put his need to finish out the work day ahead of my need for him. Big mistake. Huge.

Our daughter was texting and texting and looking at the screen was killing me, so I explained that I was ill and considering asking for a ride to the doctor. She immediately reached out to my Love. He raced home, got me into the car and off we went.

His anger was palpable. Even through the pain, I knew he was seriously pissed that I hadn’t explained just how sick I was. In my mind, I had, but I had also shared my hope anytime it felt even marginally better. I hadn’t realized just how mixed the signals I was sending really were.

Fast forward – I’m being loaded into the ambulance. I knew he was standing outside the door watching. By that time, fear was coming off him in waves. I’m afraid the image of me inside the back of it would haunt him for a long time. He’s mentioned it a few times already.

The first person I saw when they opened the door was my Love’s face. He stayed with me the entire time, even going down with me for the tests. A couple family members showed up, but he still didn’t leave me side. He is my rock.

Once they finally figured out the chemical concoction to get me feeling as close to ‘normal’ as I ever am, they let me go home. I don’t think I was in the car ten minutes before the lecture set in. We now have a ‘signal word’ much like a safe word that will let him know that he needs to come home immediately. I’m sure we aren’t finished with the conversation. I’m still feeling a bit under the weather and I know he’s treating me with kid gloves. Once they come off, I suspect I’ll get an ass beating I won’t soon forget. Don’t tell him, but I’m mostly looking forward to it. I need the punishment to let go of the guilt of scaring him. The guilt of not telling him I needed him. The guilt over considering calling someone else to take me to the doctor when I know I should have turned to him.

Wednesday will be our 34th wedding anniversary. I guess it doesn’t matter how long you’re together, sometimes there will be blunders.

Getting Back in Sync

Toward the end of last summer, our son moved in with us while his house was being built. Though it was nice having him around, it definitely cut into our kink. For years now, we haven’t had to worry about how loud we were or whether a scene was enclosed in the privacy of our bedroom.

Mid December his home was ready and we returned to kinky DINKs. We bought our first piece of ‘fuck furniture’. Now we’ve transformed a lot of normal things into BDSM toys before, but this was the first piece of substantial furniture we’ve bought for the purpose of playing. He’s discretely hidden eye-bolts to the frame as tie off points for bondage. Of course the legs will be incorporated also.

My Love has spent considerable time designing scenes and we’re getting back into the groove. Thankfully, we’re falling into sync rather easily. My stress level is down and I’m able to write again. 2018 is off to a good start. Let’s up the momentum continues.

Plot Twist

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My daughter sent this to me today. It’s a great way to look at my day. I went to the doctor and received some worrisome news. I’ll know more next week. I like the idea of a plot twist because in my books there’s always a happy ending. No matter how frightening the turn of events is, everything works out in the end. I’m going to keep that idea in mind as my Love and I figure our way through this.

The world lost an Amazing Woman today

and I was lucky enough to call her my friend. She had a beautiful smile and a zany personality.  She accepted people for who they are. She loved that I’m a writer and she’d tease me unmercifully about the genre. She was going on vacation one time and wanted a book to read. I gave her Against the Rules. She gave me all kinds of hell about the book. She said she wanted something dirty, not scary and she questioned how in the world I even think of half the stuff in there. I couldn’t help but laugh at the way she carried on.

Next, I gave her Bondage Anniversary. That was more like what she was after. Still at each chapter break she’d kibitz about the characters. She never liked drama. All she wanted was a happily ever after story with tons of sex. I’d complain that it wasn’t realistic. There’s always drama in a relationship and she’d remind me that it’s fantasy. I’d come back with, ‘it’s realistic fiction’. On and on the banter would continue until we were both laughing.

We laughed a lot. So much so, her boss put a wall between us thinking that would stop us. Silly woman. Her nastiness just gave us more to laugh about. We’d plot ways to tick her off without getting either of us in trouble. We were pretty inventive at times.

There’s one more star in heaven tonight shining brightly for all to see, but I’m going to miss you, Linda. Take care, lady. Love you!

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Happy Day!

It’s an exciting day for our family. Our daughter is officially engaged. Her sweetheart is an amazing man and we couldn’t be happier.

I remember planning our wedding and having way too many cooks in the kitchen- if you get my drift. I’ve promised myself that I’ll be supportive without being intrusive and my Love is going to help remind if/when it slips my mind. Tee he he.

She’s found a good man and I know he loves her. His family is pretty different from ours.  I worried our brand of crazy would be too much for him – let’s face it every family has it’s own special craziness – but he dove right in.

I got a bit misty when he asked my husband for permission to marry her. It’s so old fashioned. And respectful. I loved it.

His proposal was romantic and meaningful to their relationship – he asked my opinion as he was planning it – how sweet is that? He wanted to make sure it was something she’d like.

We are definitely adding a wonderful man to the family. Welcome!

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Teeter Totter

Life is doing its teeter totter BS again. On the high side-His Lucky Day, part of the Sensory Limits Anthology, is now out on Amazon and all the major retailers. It’s been on the bestseller list since the e-version was available for early download, so to say I’m super excited would be an understatement.

On the balanced side of the teeter, work continues to be an issue. My energy for dealing with manufactured drama is dwindling fast. The only positive is that one way or another there will be a resolution in October. The frustrating part is our way of dealing with the daily grind stress is kinky fuckery and we currently have a family member living with us. I had no idea how loud spankings, paddling and other slap-happy events can be. Forget screams of pleasure, the mere action makes enough noise to cause guests to raise their eyebrows. Caning is about the only impact tool that is quiet enough and that’s not a daily use activity – for us anyway.

On the down side, my brother who was seemingly doing very well on the experimental treatment received some devastating news. The tumors in his neck were visibly smaller and he had very few outward side effects. Unfortunately, no one realized tumors were amassing in his kidneys-to the point where they have to be removed. ASAP. Next week he will enter the hospital so they can take him off his heart meds in preparation for surgery. Once he’s stable they will go in and do what’s necessary. The odds aren’t great, but the other options are worse. I hope he has hit the bottom of the totter and starts to swing upward. He’s seriously been through enough.

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Amazon

August 8th!

Sensory Limits Anthology

Yes or No by Ashe Barker

Be careful what you wish for… What’s your darkest fantasy? It can’t do any harm, can it? A bit of not-so-innocent private fun. No one need ever know…

Dark and Dirty Dreams—What’s your darkest fantasy?

Design your perfect BDSM scene, as sensual as you like, as intense as you can bear. We can bring it to life for you.

There’s no harm in just filing in the form, is there? It’s only a bit of harmless escapism, a sexy fantasy. The advert is tempting, though.

A strictly vicarious lover of the BDSM lifestyle, Martha never really means to hit send. A couple of forays into spanking and a spot of lacklustre bondage haven’t quite managed to ignite her curiosity about the dark art of submission, but they haven’t entirely extinguished it, either. It’s there, gnawing away at the back of her mind, a dream of what could be, if only…

Martha craves sensation. She yearns for intensity, for a touch to make her skin tingle and her nerve-endings sizzle, a caress to make her scream and demand her surrender. And that’s the problem. She’s a cautious soul and no pain slut. She’s not about to hand herself over to some ham-fisted Dom and trust to luck again.

So when she learns she is one of the winners who are to be offered the chance to play out the scene from her kinky imaginings to the letter, she can’t believe her luck. The only condition? The organisers reserve the right to select the Dom, one skilled in the specifics of Martha’s personal fantasy and the scene must be played out in public.

Yes or No?

Cruise Control by Elizabeth Coldwell

If she does everything he demands, this will be a vacation to remember.

Lily Jameson has always hated the idea of going on a cruise. As far as she’s concerned, they’re something you do when you’ve retired. So when her husband Daniel surprises her with tickets for a cruise down the River Seine, she isn’t impressed. What she doesn’t realize is that he’s planned the trip as an opportunity for them to act out their Dom/sub relationship in a semi-public setting, and he’s going to control every aspect of the trip, from the clothes she packs to their activities onboard ship.

As the three-day holiday progresses, Daniel’s BDSM sessions grow ever more inventive. With the help of improvised toys, he engages her in sensation play and introduces her to sex in the open air. What he has in mind for the final night of the holiday will test her to her limits, but can he open her eyes to the hidden pleasures of cruising?

Reader Advisory: This book contains public nudity and anal play.

Just You & Me by Wendi Zwaduk

What’s a girl to do when she’s not ready to leave the single life but the right man has come along with a collar?

Ryder Lucas didn’t come to Exposed, looking for a sub. He joined his best friend’s club to demonstrate fetishes and enjoy the single life. Then he sees Cat and uses her for a scene. She’s everything he’s ever wanted in a sub and a woman. He won’t rest until the blonde bombshell is his.

Catharina ‘Cat’ McLean doesn’t want a permanent Master. She’s happy taking part in the occasional scene but won’t be collared. She’d rather be in control of her life. When Ryder asks her to be a part of a scene with him, she sees no reason to refuse. He’s tall, dark, handsome and she can’t resist him. He knows how to play with her fetishes—wax, ice and bondage—but is she willing to submit to him on a full-time basis?

Who knew finding a heart’s desire would be this all-consuming?

Reader Advisory: This book contains scenes of ice play, wax play, pain play.

His Lucky Day by Tori Carson

KT thought a quick romp in the forest with Stephen would vanquish him from her dreams, instead, their untamed passion ignites a fire neither can control.

Stephen was instantly attracted to the exotic KT Riley. Though she makes her desire for him clear, Stephen considers her forbidden fruit. His sexual passions aren’t for the faint of heart so he refuses to mix business with pleasure. When they become stranded together in the forest, the chemistry between them is more than he can resist.

KT is a woman on a mission. Seduce the handsome game warden who has been destroying her concentration and get him out of her system once and for all. Her plan was foolproof except for two small miscalculations. The man isn’t the forgettable type and the sex goes beyond physical gratification.  It’s all consuming—a craving from which she’ll never break free.

Bound to Happen by Zoë Mullins

Jaymie knows better than to date her best friend’s brother, but there is no way she can keep the sexy Dom in the ‘friend-zone’.

You don’t date your best friend’s brother. At least not without prior permission from said friend.

Jaymie left Port Ellis for the big city, but she remained a townie at heart. Pinching pennies and clipping coupons, she and her best friend Melissa have enough cash to move home and open The Mudhouse Café. But where there is Mel, there is her sexy, older brother Maxwell who Jaymie has been crushing on since high school.

When Jaymie discovers Maxwell is Master M, the online Dom she’s been chatting with for months, her first thought is ‘yippee’ then reality hits. She can’t risk her friendship with Mel just to date Maxwell. She should keep him in the friend-zone but she is destined to be in his bed and under his kinky control.

Maxwell’s divorce offers him a new beginning in his hometown and the freedom to explore what it means to be a Dom. He never guessed his online submissive, Jay, was his little sister’s best friend. She is almost like family and she should be off limits. But he’s done denying what he wants, and what he wants right now is Jaymie in his bed, preferably tied to each corner.

It may have taken them years to get to this point, but it was always bound to happen.

Reader Advisory: This book contains anal play.

Black Ice by Fara Allegro

Jaye Ripley gets more than free tickets on daretospankme.com. Jack Blackhurst banters hard and talks dirty. Is she ready for harsh treatment?

Jaye Ripley’s lurked on daretospankme.com for longer than she’s ready to admit. With a straight-laced upbringing and an ex-partner disaster in her past, this principled college tutor has hidden yearnings for domination.

When she encounters the offer of free concert tickets online from BlackRunSkiFreakDom, she clicks reply on impulse. That night, their intense banter holds Jaye captive. Dark, handsome Jack Blackhurst inspires new, exhilarating urges in her and not just because of his smoldering looks. She agrees to go to his place, even though she’s crossing boundary lines, but his magnetism is more debilitating than super-strength absinthe.

Jack is not the boring back doctor most would imagine from his Harley Street Chiropractor profession. He’s a high-flying consultant to an elite VIP clientele. Yet his kink preferences are as confidentially guarded as his client list—as is the secret naughty nook in his renovated attic.

This Doctor Dom has Jaye in raptures. There are sensations from feathers to ice and candle-play. In his kink-furbed playroom, Jaye feels like she’s finally reached her fantasy pleasure peak. Who knew a Doctor Dom could be this freeing?

But in the morning Jaye receives the cold-shoulder treatment. She’s shoved into a cab like a seedy secret with threats of repercussions from kissing and telling. She’s irritated as hell when her mind returns to that stellar night. But a run-in with black ice might mean Jaye hasn’t seen the back of Jack quite yet!

Reader Advisory: This book contains candle play.

General Release Date: 19th September 2017

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Totally Bound

Interesting Weekend

Life can be a fickle bitch, but she has a sense of humor. Just when you’re used to her shitting all over you, she throws you a rose. Or in my case the sweetest branch of thorns I’ve ever had.

A situation arose that placed a heavier emphasis on our D/s than usual. The ‘situation’ was the typical shit life likes to dish out, but my Love turned it around for us. Instead of just accepting what was headed our way, it became a crazy, wonderful weekend that set a new tone for our relationship.

As we worked through the ‘situation’ we tried several new things this weekend. Some we will incorporate and others will be tossed aside, but all garnered valuable information. The debriefing after each scene is so so important. It helps us alleviate misconceptions that have happened in the past. It also allows us to figure out why something pushes our buttons.

One activity we tried, started out great. I grew wet as need thrummed through me. My Love figured we had a winner on our hands, but about fifteen minutes into the scene there was a side effect that left me cold. As my attention was drawn away from the erotic aspect, pain became simply pain and what had been enticing just moments before was suddenly annoying as hell . He noticed immediately, but rather than completely stop the scene he rolled with it. He changed a few things and got us back on track.

Afterward when we were discussing what went wrong, his initial impression was off. He thought I was upset by the essence of the scene. If we hadn’t talked – openly and honestly – he might have taken that type of play off the table completely. I’m so glad we are able to communicate, even about the tough stuff. During our conversation, we learned a little more about what takes me deeper into the submissive zone. It’s crazy that after thirty plus years together, we’re still discovering new stuff.

Yeah, life is good.