Solace

It’s been a hell of a month, this week. Yeah, that’s a pretty non-sequitur phrase but it fits. Life has been piling it on pretty thick the last few days. My brother is fighting cancer and he was given several pieces of bad news. My dad is ill and the doc has no idea what it is. Our kids are unhappy about various assorted things and even though they’re adults, it feels like I should be doing something to ‘fix’ it. And, my job is frustrating the hell out of me. Feeling helpless to change any of it is what galls me the most.

It seems like every time my phone buzzes, it’s more bad news or more crap to deal with. Wednesday night I was close to a panic attack. I felt smothered, like I couldn’t escape and the pressure was keeping me from drawing my next breath.

Feeling buried and helpless to do a thing about it, you wouldn’t expect to find relief by being bound and ravaged, but I did.

My Love knows me. He understands that when I give him backtalk that I’m at wits end. My gruff sass is a way of staying above the emotion threatening to consume me.

When I got home from work, I was withdrawn. I made dinner and played mindless games on my phone. He put up with it for an hour or so. Once we’d eaten, he told me to go into our room and present. I knew better than to argue, but I wasn’t in the right frame of mind. As soon as he came in, I started making comments. Nothing overly snarky, but nowhere close to submissive either. If you squinted, you could assume they were playful.

He merely chuckled and shoved a ball gag in my mouth. While he took his time tying me up, he talked to me. Each wrap of the rope took me further out of my head and deeper under his spell.

He made it clear that I was his to do with as he saw fit. In short order, I was bound, gagged and completely at his mercy. Only then was I able to relax and let go. In his dominance, I found peace.

At the end of the scene, all the issues were still there. Nothing had changed except my perspective. Yet, what a difference it made. I felt stronger and better able to support my family.

Those that complain that BDSM subjugates and enslaves women will never understand how empowering I find it.

We’re a team and we’ll face what life throws at us together. He’s got my back and I’ve got his.

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