About ten years ago, I shared a secret fantasy with my Love. We talked about it at length. We discussed why I wanted to try it, what the long term ramifications were and what the dangers were. After giving it a lot of thought, my Love decided it wasn’t the right time.
I was disappointed, but he’s the boss. No, meant no and I accepted it.
Fast forward to our anniversary last month. As we were going through our previous interest inventories he noticed a discrepancy. Since his decision, each time I would complete an updated inventory I would draw a line through the interest options in regard to that topic.
In my mind, I was showing respect. He had decided it wasn’t right for us and since I respect his decision I stopped asking to try it. I simply drew a line through the choices. As we compared our lists and reflected upon our journey, we touched upon my fantasy once again.
That portion of our conversation was short, not much more than a recap. He asked if I still had a desire to try it. I told him I did, but I assured him I was okay with his decision. As is so often the case, that topic brought up another and we quickly moved on. Little did I know that a plan was taking shape in my Love’s mind.
Saturday our daughter called out of the blue and insisted I go shopping with her. My Love told me I needed to go. He firmly believes that you should never turn down the opportunity to spend time with the kids, even when it’s inconvenient as hell. So, off I went.
We shopped and had a good time. A few hours later when I pulled into the drive, I noticed the windows along the front of the house were drawn. My Love enjoys natural light and it was highly irregular for him to want block off our view. As soon as I stepped into our home, I knew he had a scene planned.
During the next few hours, my fantasy played out. My emotions ran the gamut. It was so much more intense than I had expected. I quickly realized he’d been right to say no all those many years ago. I wasn’t ready. I couldn’t have handled it. At the end of the scene, as he held me in his arm, I cried like I’ve rarely cried before. It’s my body’s way of processing the rush. The line between passion and pain blurred often. Fear had mingled with pleasure. Though I had waited years to experience this fantasy, twice I had to use my ‘slow down’ safeword.
Each time, he changed the direction of the scene just enough that we were able to continue without losing stride. That was a change for him as well. Many moons ago, on those rare occasions when I would need to ‘slow down’, he would stop the scene entirely. He feared for my safety and even though we had clearly defined reasons for saying ‘yellow’ or ‘red’, his concern overrode everything. As the years have gone by, he’s learned my reactions and now responds accordingly.
The culmination of a long term fantasy was like a dream come true and it reinforces my faith in his ability to continue to lead us on our amazing journey. Thank you, my Love, I’m truly blessed that you chose me as your life partner.