What constitutes sex?

With the new year and all, it was time to visit the doctor for all the basic annual exams. Apparently, I hit some milestone or something because I never remember answering so many invasive questions before. There’s nothing wrong with me. I went because…well, you’re supposed to. You know it’s part of life, you take your vitamins, you pay your taxes and you have your yearly exam. Done. Not this time.

So, I’m in the little room, dressed only in a paper robe, feeling cold and uncomfortable, when a nice looking gentleman comes in. Now, I’ve been seeing this doctor for years upon years. They normally have frumpy, sort of prison warden type nurses and I’m good with that. They take their job seriously and I can respect that. I wasn’t expecting a man or a reasonably handsome one, so I’m a little off balance.

Then the questions start. It began easy enough with simple family history and past illnesses. Next, comes the personal stuff. “Are you sexually active?”

“Yes.” I feel the heat rising. I shouldn’t I’m a grown woman. I’ve been married probably as long as this man has been potty trained. Yeah, awkward…

“Approximately, how many times a month do you have sex?”

What? How the heck should I know? What do you want me to do, keep a running tally? Fuck! Not sure, I can count that high… Well I guess I can figure out per week and then multiply it…Math on the run, not my forte. Okay, we can’t use this week it’s only Wednesday. Last week, what did we do last Sunday? Oh God, now I’m really blushing. 

“It’s not that hard of a question, ma’am. Once, twice.” The little smirk on his face tells me, he is enjoying watching me squirm.

I start biting my lip to keep from laughing. “For the purposes of this question…what constitutes sex? Are we talking orgasms or penetration?”

Now he starts to blush

“It’s not that hard of a question, sir. I just want to answer it correctly.”Is it how many times, I orgasm, my husband orgasms, the combination of us both or just the number of times he penetrates me. But see that question can get messy too…”

“Uhm…let’s skip that one and I’ll get further clarification.”

“Thank you.”

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